A dream that will not come true

So, i guess it won't really come true anymore.

I'm feeling a wide range of emotions and i have to step back for awhile.

2020 really sucks but this isn't the worst year i've been through so i know i'll be okay.

P.S. How to stop thinking about it? How to stop feeling this way?
  • Current Mood
    numb numb


How time flies! I can't believe he turns 30 today. After all these years, he is still my number one idol. I went through a lot of things and i'm sure he also went through a lot of things as an idol and in his private life but i'm glad he's still here making everyone happy. At the end of the day, he still makes me crazily happy as much as he did when he was 20, 25 or whatever age. Let's admit he doesnt get old! Hahaha

On a serious note, there was really a period of time, very dark times, that i gave him up. I deleted all the pictures on my phone, didn't listen to any of their songs for months and i decided to leave the fandom. I couldn't see any point anymore. It even surprises me that letting go of everything is not that hard. When you lost a truly important thing in life, nothing hardly matters anymore. I could have gotten worse if not because of my family and my friends. I am very lucky i have them. I know i am not the same person anymore but i'm not going to give up.

I'm sorry this turns to sad.

This is Tego's bday post, somebody punch me pls. Haha.

I can't say enough how much i love this guy. He amazes me with whatever he does. He surely is not someone for the faint-hearted. And i'm proud for all his accomplishments and excited for how far he still can go.

I wish and pray for all his heart desires. May he always be safe and healthy and has lots of people around him who loves him dearly. He deserves to be celebrated so i can't let this day pass without posting something here even if i don't know what to say or write.

Cheers~! 🥂 to forever!

I just wish i can see him before he turns 40. LMAO~ too early to think about that!


A 'can't help it' post


You've wandered off too far,

you've forgotten who you are;

you've let down the ones you love,

you've given up too much.

You once made a deal with time,

now it's slipping by too fast--

you can't borrow from the future,

to make up for the past.

You forsake all that you hold dear,

for a dream that is not your own;

you would rather live a lie--

than live your life alone.

by Lang Leav

I like this poem so much. Somehow, it speaks to me deeply... i wish i could write things like these lol Makes me look back on my highschool days, when it seems i can do anything. I used to write, draw and dance. Everything was fun back then. I wonder what happen. Where did that 'me' go? I miss her.

I dont like this to be a gloomy post but i really cant help it. I felt like i need to post this poem here, for a reason which i dont know-- or maybe i dont want to know. 🤦🏼‍♀️

  • Current Music
    Close as Strangers - 5SOS
  • Tags

Happy Birthday Tego!

This will be a short post. I just don't want to let this day pass by without doing this.

This person is really one of the few constants in my life now. Whether i'm happy or lonely, i always long to hear his voice and look at his face. Real life can be too much sometimes but knowing he's just somewhere out there doing his best is enough for me to keep going.

So really, Tegoshi, thank you for your existence. I will always support you and no one can replace your #1 spot on my list! Hihi~ ILY!


NEWS is home.

It's been a while. Being an adult (or trying to be a decent one) is really hard. Setting priorities is a tough battle against yourself. LOL I miss watching NEWS. T.T Honestly, i thought that because im not flailing like i used to before and i cant update that much my feelings for them are slowly fading. These past months, whenever i see pictures of them in various sns, i cant feel the same way anymore. Yes, i reblog, like, love, and leave comments but it's like i just feel obligated. Like i have to do it because i supposedly love them. But it's not the same anymore. I dont know if it's because im just tired due to work and my daily life or this was really bound to happen. I know myself as someone who gets easily bored with something, so its surprising that i stick with NEWS for years. Haha~ Anyways, im relieved now, I STILL LOVE THEM TREMENDOUSLY!!!

I watched their first episode of SCP and the feeeeeeels~!

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Thank you for making me realize i can always count on you NEWS to make me stupidly happy. It doesnt make sense anymore, but i seriously cannot imagine my life without your existence. While Im busy with real life stuff, im so happy NEWS is super busy too. Finally, you deserve these things!!!



"It’s difficult to ever go back to the same places or people. You turn away, even for a moment, and when you turn back around, everything’s changed."
Gabrielle Zevin, Elsewhere


“Let’s talk about everyday Heroes
Ordinary people like you and I
People who do not always win
But are always willing to try.”

So, we have this little activity at the office where we can show appreciation to someone we're considering our everyday hero.
We will write our note/message in a dedication card then we'll get a balloon to give to that hero.
Of course, my first thought was.... I GOTTA GIVE IT TO TEGOSHI! (i know~ i know~ HAHA)
But no.... T^T it should be someone from the office.
I even got a pink balloon...

photo credit to inala

He is really my hero... together with NEWS! LOL
Well, i ended up giving it to my immediate supervisor. Hehe~
She's really so understanding.
I wanted to thank her for not giving me any disciplinary action/memo
when i didnt go to work for a few days because im feeling so down (i think i got depressed for a while.. heh~)
Not to mention those absences were after i took a week off due to someone passing away. :(
Anyways, i dont want to dwell on that. I got so pissed off and disappointed with myself for being like that.

  • Current Mood
    grateful grateful
  • Tags

Maru went to NEWS' concert?!!!

Like my source for this, i am so surprised i havent heard this from anyone. Or maybe im just not that updated anymore. LOL But apparently, Maruyama Ryuhei of Kanjani8 went to their Final concert. How nice was that!

photo credit: graphicabyss
original source

Maru's Special Day, 2015.06.15

I went to a NEWS concert!

I was so lucky to make it to the Final!

I also bought the shirt and wore it!
I’m a fan of Kato Shigeaki!

Shigeaki, you were cool!

The atmosphere around NEWS was really nice.♥
Tegonyan, your face is always my type!

I hugged him when we shook hands. ♥♥
Hee ♥

To all Tegoshi fans, sorry~

I hope you all have a great day too!

translated by graphicabyss

This was so nice and cute and awesome and funny that i need to put here in my journal. I would love to see Shige's reaction to that "fan" remark of Maru. Yihee~ LOL. And gosh~ he was smitten by Tegoshi's beauty TOO. i just laughed out loud, really. (cant blame him though, everyone's a victim, or no? haha)

Here's our dear Shige and Maru for you~